Acting in Love Despite the Hurt

I have been contemplating lately about how so many people today avoid church and/or religious people because they, or someone they know, were hurt by “the church”… that Is to say, they were hurt by the people from within the church.

There is an old quote which states that “hurt people, hurt people.” From my experience this is so true. The problem is we (christians and non-christians alike) tend to forget all too easily that “the church” is made up of a lot of hurt people, many of whom have not yet been healed from those old hurts. All too often what happens is that one churchgoer (by reason of their hurt nature) hurts another churchgoer, and it can ruffle feathers so to speak. And then, one or the other in anger leaves the church; or worse, loses their faith in God because they don’t see God’s love being born out in His church like it should.

So, what should we as Christians be doing when we are hurt so badly by others… more specifically by others from within the church?

First of all… Calm Down! Any reaction or action done in anger is most likely to be a wrong or ungodly way of dealing with the problem at hand. Secondly, start praying about it, knowing that God knows better than us how best to resolve any problems… and He can and will guide you through it if you let Him. Thirdly, understand what God’s word has to say concerning those who hurt you, as well as concerning how we as followers of Christ should be handling and dealing with such hurt.

So, let’s unpack what the Bible teaches us on how to deal in a right and Godly way with such hurts.

Let us first look at Christ’s example (a good example to follow, after all), knowing that no one on this planet was hurt more than Jesus. We know that Jesus spoke truth, healed the sick, loved on people showing mercy and compassion for them… and yet for this He was hated by so many that they mocked, ridiculed, physically abused him and ultimately he was put Him to death on the cross.

So, what was Jesus’ reaction to this? Did he shout hateful words in anguish at the scoffers and haters? Did He cry out in angry curses saying, “Father smite them all for what they have done to me?” No, He did not. Instead, while experiencing unimaginable heartbreak and physical pain, and amid all that hate that was directed towards Him, Jesus in the most loving way prayed to our Heavenly Father saying, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

Now I don’t know about you, but any time I’ve been hurt by people (and I’ve been hurt plenty of times) … I must be honest in saying that my first thoughts in response to such hurt have not usually been in any way shape or form the loving example that Jesus set. My responses typically fell into two categories depending on the situation…

1) I would cry, feeling that how I’m being treated is unfair, and I would express in a somewhat loud and whiney way how I’m feeling as if to say “how dare you hurt me”… or 2) I would get angry, and shout angry, defensive words… blaming the other party for all wrongdoing, taking no account for any hurtful actions I may have displayed because I perceived my own actions as justified.

Either of those sound familiar to anyone?

Thankfully, I have come to recognize these weak areas of how I have dealt with such difficulties and I have prayed much… giving it all over to God who has, over the past 17 years especially, been slowly working away at smoothing out those rough edges in me and teaching me better ways of dealing with hurt, and how to behave in more loving ways in spite of any hurt.

Anyone who has lived through very trying and hurtful experiences knows that in the midst of the hurt, it is very hard to understand “why is this happening to me?” or “why are they hurting me?” And we can sometimes wonder, “God, where are you? This hurts so much, and I don’t think I can take any more of it?”

I’ve been there. There was a time where I deeply struggled with such thoughts, and I grappled desperately to hang on to hope.

We must remember that even Jesus felt this way amid his turmoil as He hung on that cross as evidenced when He said to God, the Father, “Why have you forsaken me?” Know that because Jesus experienced it… God understands it.

And also know that in turning it over to God… you can be assured that He will help you through it. Stand against Satan if he tries to deceive you into thinking God isn't there for you. Remember it is the enemy who tried to steal and destroy our Joy and wants to rob us of the Victory we have in Jesus. So I encourage you to stand strong and keep tight to the hand of Jesus in such times.

HUMAN NATURE VS. GODLY NATURE

It is a fact that when someone is behaving in an unloving way towards us, it is human nature to hate the hurt being heaped on us, and to react defensively and often in anguish.

But if we are mindful of Christ’s own words in the midst of what we know as “The Lord’s prayer”, Jesus prays, “Forgive us our Trespasses, as we also forgive those who trespass against us.” – Matthew 6:12

So here Jesus reminds us that if we want to be forgiven of our own sins, we need also be able to forgive others who sinned (or did wrong) against us.

Ok, think about this a little more deeply… we see from Matthew 6:12 that Jesus is asking God to forgive us for our sins in the same way that we forgive others who sin against us. And if we look at Mark 11:25 this concept on forgiveness is repeated when Jesus says –  “And whenever you stand praying... forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

So clearly one of the hallmarks of Christian living is Loving one another… and one act of Love in Christ is Kindness and with Kindness comes Forgiveness. We need to be forgiving those who despitefully use us, or who hurt us.

Ephesians 4:31-32 makes it clear… “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

And Colossians 3:12-13  states “Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

Even the Apostle Paul in the midst of his own turmoil wrote: “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” – Ephesians 4:3

Forgiveness can be a very difficult thing to do for some people. Indeed, there are some who have experienced horrifically hateful things at the hands of others, creating such mental anguish that forgiveness seems inconceivable. I totally understand this being that I was a victim of not just one, but of three different abusers. The first two were not too difficult for me to forgive, but the last abuser in my life was the most violent of the three, and was the hardest for me to forgive. I clung to that bitterness for a few years and wallowed in my hurt. Then as I sat in church one Sunday… the Pastor was preaching on forgiveness, and at last was able to reach through the mire of all that hurt and helped me to realize that in spite of all the hurt and anguish I still felt… I had to forgive my abuser. And so I chose to give it all over to God.

I prayed honestly saying, “God I really don’t feel that forgiveness in my heart right now, but I know your word says that I should forgive others who despitefully used me and hurt me. Even though my heart isn’t “feeling” that forgiveness at this moment, I am choosing to act in obedience to your word Lord, so I am saying with my mouth out loud that “I forgive my abuser” and I pray in the name of Jesus that You will work out that forgiveness in my heart God; so that my words ‘I forgive’ will be manifest as true.”

Then one day a few years later, I realized as I was sharing details about the abuse and my abuser with some folks… that as I shared, I no longer felt the anguish and emotional pain, and no longer was there a tone of bitterness and hate when I spoke of my abuser and the hurtful events of that time of my life. When I realised this, it rather amazed me really! God had changed my heart and mindset to where my mere words of stating that I forgave the abuser were now manifest in the reality of real heart felt forgiveness… and with that forgiveness came so much freedom from all the hurt I once had been harbouring deep inside. And in realizing this I cried in deepest gratitude, thanking and praising God for working that miracle in me.

So I very much encourage you today... If you struggle with forgiving someone who hurt you in any way, FORGIVE THEM… Even if the other party isn’t sorry for what they did to you… Forgive them anyway! In so doing you are not releasing them from their wrong doing… God will still hold them to account for that… But what forgiveness does is in time it releases you from the torment and anguish that you feel for the wrongs done against you. Forgiveness brings healing and freedom from the hurt and anguish in due time.

If you are still struggling with hate, anguish, or bitterness over someone in you life or past who hurt you... I hope you will do as I did, and give it over to God even if you don’t really “feel” that forgiveness right now. Just forgive... knowing that it is God’s will for us, and leave the rest of the healing of our hurts to Him who is able.

Know that letting go of the hurt is not about absolving the abuser of their wrong doing... it's about giving that hurt over to God who is able to heal your broken and hurt heart and restore the joy back into your life that was robbed from you.

Let us always be mindful of Romans 12:14-21 – “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with and show compassion for the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.' To the contrary, 'if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

And in closing, “Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." -  Galations 6:9-10

Give the hurt to God… just keep loving like Jesus loved us.

And forgive others, just as God forgives us.

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