Coping and Dealing With Death
- Lori Joy
- Aug 3, 2021
- 7 min read
Updated: Feb 7
We Don't All Cope and Deal With Death the Same Way
It’s a fact of life that we all are born, we live, and eventually, our mortal bodies die. For many people, regardless of their faith and beliefs, death can be a difficult thing to come to terms with and accept. Certainly for many of us it can be a quite traumatic experience, especially if a loved one has died young… we all struggle to make sense of that. And even if our loved one was quite old, we might still struggle to cope with our loss. We all deal with and cope with death differently and for various reasons. There is no right or wrong way to grieve or to feel. And it’s important to understand that for some, the intensity of the grief may last far longer than it does for others. That’s ok too. There can be various reasons why your grief is/was so intense. Maybe your loved one suffered and agonized for a long time before they died and this added to your heartbreak. Maybe their death was so sudden, and it was a shock to you; you were not prepared for it. Maybe past traumas affect how you react to death. The reality is that WE HURT when we lose someone close to us. It is a shock to our system to no longer have them with us in this life. This is normal, and it’s okay to not feel okay with the loss. For some, the grief will affect you for a short time, and for other it could take years to to grasp and accept the loss. And our ethnic and cultural norms can also factor into how we grieve as well. So it is a good thing to not judge or be critical of someone who's grief process differs from your own.
For those of us who are Christians, we know that there is an afterlife… we believe that if Jesus was your saviour in this mortal lifetime, that our soul will go to Heaven where there is no more sickness, no more death, and where peace reigns forevermore. If those of us who remain on earth also believe in Jesus, then, when our time on this earth is up, we are confident in our faith that we will be reunited with those who went to heaven before us. This is our comfort. Our loss then is only temporary, and the gain of eternal life is so great. And knowing our departed loved one is no longer suffering and is made whole again also gives us some comfort… but of course that doesn’t mean we don’t miss our loved ones in the meantime. Of course we miss them. The bigger a part of our lives they were, the more profoundly we are likely to miss them, and the more intensely we may feel the hurt that they are no longer with us here on this earth. In spite of that knowledge of our future reunion in Heaven, our lives on earth are forever changed now that our loved one is gone from this life, and this can be difficult to accept and come to terms with for some, even with such faith.
Sharing from Personal Experience
I’ve had to deal with losing loved ones far too often in my own lifetime. My mom came from a very large family. She was one of 10 siblings; so, as her generation aged… us younger folk in the family have had to face death more times than any of us would care to face. I watched as cancer slowly took away my Aunt Norinne’s life; Dementia/Alzheimer’s took an Uncle, a great Aunt, and a second cousin; my paternal step-Grandfather died from diabetes-related complications; another Uncle died from a heart attack; and yet another uncle passed away from Cancer; a young second cousin of mine who had epilepsy died suddenly in his sleep in his early twenties; and more recently yet another uncle passed away in old age. All these were all very difficult to bear, but even still it did not prepare me for how hard it would be to lose my parents.
In 2003, just one month before my daughter was born, my dad passed away from liver and kidney failure. At least I had a few weeks to prepare for the inevitable, and come to accept that there was nothing more that the doctors could do for him but keep him medicated for the pain. The challenge at that time was the fact that I was 8 months pregnant. Okay, so… death is difficult enough to deal with on its own, but add to that mix the hormones of a pregnant woman and you have a recipe for a complete emotional wreck. And on top of that, I was also trying to contend with an abusive husband who was not willing to recognize that he needed to change his ways… that’s a story for another time, but hopefully you get the picture.
At the time, dealing with my father’s death was the hardest thing I had ever faced up to that point in my life. It was unbearably hard. I could hardly see how I would ever get through it, but I just tried to focus on taking care of myself and not allowing myself to grieve, thinking it was the best thing to do for the baby, and to prevent a premature birth. Well, in hindsight, maybe I should of allowed myself to grieve a little more; the baby was fine, and because I held so much in for so long, it took me a really long time to really properly process that grief… about 12 years. That’s a really long time to struggle with loss. Admittedly though, I’m sure the post-traumatic stress from the abusive marriage didn’t help, and no doubt slowed up my healing from and coping with the grief. I thank God that He put a lot of very gracious people in my life who were very supportive and who lovingly prayed for me throughout those years.
Now fast forward 14 years from my dad’s death: first, two more of my uncles passed away within about a week of each other, and then... BOOM!… A month later, just four weeks before Christmas, my mom passes away suddenly, quite unexpectedly… I didn’t see it coming… she was only 76 years old… and my world came crashing down like the Hindenburg in one awful mess… “OH THE HUMANITY!”
Now mom and I had always been super close, as I was her only child… and when my daughter came into this world, my mom was always there to help. When she retired from her job, she moved in with us so she could spend as much time with her granddaughter as she wanted, and indeed the two became quite close as well. I was now a single parent having left the abusive husband, so having my mom around as the “second parent” was indeed a blessing most of the time. It was only in her last years that she could be less of a joy to be around as arthritis and other health issues gave her such discomfort and pain, which made her often irritable. But regardless, she was a huge part of our lives and she was very much loved, so it was an incredibly huge shock when I was awakened just after midnight hearing moans from her bedroom that sounded to me like she was just having a bad dream. But when I turned the lights on in her room and saw the state she was in… well… it was worse than a bad dream… it was MY worst nightmare. She had had a heart attack. And sadly she would not survive it... she passed away within minutes of the ambulance driving off with her to the hospital.
For about a year I relived that night over and over in nightmares. Almost 4 years later, I still have the rare bad dream about that night. Sometimes when I remember all the good times we shared, I am reminded that she is no longer with me and I still feel the pain of that loss and it brings tears to my eyes. I still miss my mom terribly. I probably always will until our glorious reunion in heaven. As difficult as dealing with death has been, I know that it is my belief and faith in God that has gotten me through this, as well as all of my life’s challenges and struggles. I thank God for my faith. I thank God that I have a hope in Him that succeeds in getting me through everything that life throws at me. For sure I’ve had more than my fair share of trials and tribulations. I’ve come to understand that because I’ve faced so many different challenges in life, I have been able to help others who struggled with the same challenges.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God”
Just like Paul who wrote the above passage, my challenges and afflictions gave experiences by which I could comfort others more effectively, just as he. God often uses the struggles we have faced and gotten through, and enables us to help others who are faced with similar struggles. Think of it as the “good” coming from out of the “bad”… in the same way that a rainbow brings beauty to the sky after a dark storm. Trials also remind us that God has better things ahead for those who believe in Him.
The Apostle Paul wrote, “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the Glory that is to be revealed to us.” – Romans 8:18.
Indeed, Paul faced many difficulties, but he was able to endure because he knew greater things were ahead for him in heaven. He understood that our trials in this life are only temporary.
I hope that, by sharing some of my own life challenges, that it may be an encouragement to anyone who reads it. If I got through it, you can too. Know that you are not alone.
If you also are experiencing loss, or have been having great difficulty coping with loss, I pray in the name of Jesus that God would encourage and comfort you, and may He also bring good people into your life to help you through that time. May you know that God does love you so very much, and that He is there for you... even if through the dark cloud of your grief and pain you can’t see that right now.
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