Finding Your Way to Forgiving Those Who Hurt You
- Lori Joy
- Nov 21, 2024
- 7 min read
Updated: Dec 6, 2024
Forgiveness is both a Healing and a Redemptive process. But sometimes, especially when the hurt was caused by abuse... it can be really hard to let go of all the hurt and anguish that the abuser caused. And as a result, it can feel impossible to forgive.
But as Christians we are called to forgive... So how do we let go of the hurt? And, how does forgiving someone impact our lives, and our walk with God?
"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." - Matthew 6:14 (ESV)
Basically, FORGIVENESS is a "letting go" of anger, resentment, bitterness, and anything else you might feel toward someone whom you feel has done wrong to you.
However, it is also very important to understand that just because you forgive someone, it does not mean that you are condoning their behavior. Nor does it mean that you have to welcome the person who hurt or abused you back into your life. It just means that you are letting go of the hurt and giving it over to God to manifest into your life the healing you need from the pain of it all.
First, let's look at what the Bible says about forgiving others, and then I will share from my personal life experience.
In reading scripture we can at least recognize that Jesus (and later also his disciples) did teach that as His followers we are to forgive others. We've already read above in Matthew 6:14 about forgiving others so that God can also forgive you, however the next verse from Matthew 6 says:
"But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." - Matthew 6:15
Right there it should be clear how important it is to forgive others. We all would want God to forgive us, right? But let's read more...
Matthew 18:21–22 - "Then Peter came up and said to him, 'Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.'"
Again Jesus makes it very clear that our forgiveness is not to be just a one off, nor do we only forgive a few times... but even if someone wrongs you seventy-seven times we are still to forgive them. Now you might be thinking, "But I just can't forgive someone who has hurt me that many times. Why should I forgive anyone that many times? If they hurt me that many times they don't deserve my forgiveness, right?"
Well indeed that can be a hard one to grapple with when you have been hurt that much. I know... Been there. But still God's word is clear... Jesus, and later, His disciples taught Christ followers to FORGIVE, and also warned us that If we didn't forgive others, we can not expect that God will forgive us.
Matthew 18:34–35 - "And in anger his master delivered him [the unforgiving servant] to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
Over and over the Bible delivers this same message on forgiveness.
Ephesians 4:32 - "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
Colossians 3:13 - "bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive."
As well, scripture reminds us that we are not to seek revenge on those who hurt us, but to instead show them kindness.
Romans 12:19–21 - "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.' To the contrary, (as Jesus taught) 'if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
I know from personal experience that if you have been abused... this passage from Romans can be a difficult one to grasp and accept. It is quite normal to feel like you just want the person who wronged you to suffer, just as they made you suffer. But we need to be ever mindful that the vengeance is not ours to give... it is God's. And as only God knows the hearts of each individual, then only God can rightly judge.
But, how do we forgive when the hurt still feels so raw?
The BIG lesson to understand here is that we don’t forgive by just "trying" to forgive, because we know those efforts will most often prove futile; but instead, we forgive by focusing on how much we ourselves have been forgiven. And we endeavor to be kind in the hope that we can overcome evil with good.
However, please understand that Forgiveness, especially in the case of an actual abuse situation, does not mean that you have to physically be around or maintain contact with an abusive or dangerous person in order to forgive. But it does mean that you must forgive them in your heart.
Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on YOU, live peaceably with all.”
But even Jesus himself had to depart from people who behaved aggressively or violently towards him (read Luke 4:29-30). And in the interest of protecting His disciples, Jesus instructed them accordingly in Mark 6:11 - "And if any place will not receive you and they will not listen to you, when you leave, shake off the dust that is on your feet as a testimony against them.”
So indeed God does not expect you to remain in situations that are dangerous or harmful to your well being. Sometimes all you can do is just walk away from the abuse and shake the dust off your feet as you go. But as we go, we do indeed pray for those who were unkind, or unwilling to act lovingly towards us... and we do still need to let go of the hurt and forgive them.
When God was finally able to convince me that I needed to forgive my abusive ex-husband... to be honest I still did NOT "feel that forgiveness" inside me. Anyone who heard my testimony in those early days after I left my abuser that the anger and hurt was still raging with all bitterness in my heart. But when God started dealing with me and convincing me that my anguish and bitterness was keeping me a prisoner to the pain... I made a conscious decision to forgive my abusive ex-husband in obedience to God's word, and to let go of the past and focus on God's goodness. So, I prayed the following to the Lord:
"God, I don't feel the forgiveness in my heart for Charlie, but I want to be obedient to your word that says I need to forgive him, just as you have forgiven me all of my trespasses. So I say to you today Lord, that I forgive Charlie for all the cruel things he did and said to me that hurt me so very deeply, and I leave it all in your capable hands God; knowing that You are able to work it in my heart, so that my heart will indeed 'feel' the forgiveness that my mouth speaks when I say 'I forgive him'. I look forward to that day, Lord, when I can say 'I forgive Charlie', and truthfully 'feel' that forgiveness for him in my heart as well, and all bitterness will be gone. Help me to put the past behind me and help me to keep my focus on You Lord, for You are Good and I know You want the best for me. In Jesus name. Amen."
A couple years later when speaking at yet another Christian event about my testimony on how God brought me out of that abuse... I noticed for the first time that as I shared that story of my ordeals, I no longer felt the anger or resentment that I once had when ever I recounted my story. It actually astonished me that the hurt and anguish over it did not well up in me like it used to, and I marvelled at how amazing God is that he transformed me in answer to that prayer. Now... when I say that "I forgive my ex-husband for all the abuses he inflicted, and all the hurt that he had caused me"... my heart truly means it also. And I can tell you from my own experience how freeing that is, and how life transforming it is also. I started becoming a happier person. How? Why? Because the bitterness was no longer there to steal my joy.
I came to understand that forgiveness does not absolve another from the hurt they caused to you. God will still hold them to account on the day of Judgement, more so if they were unrepentant. But forgiving those who hurt or despitefully used you enables YOU to be freed from the hurt, so YOUR heart can heal and move on from it.
If you are embittered by the hurt someone has caused you in your past... I encourage you to forgive the one who hurt you, then leave it in God's capable hands. Then move on with your life with understanding that it is by Christ's wounds that you are healed... including healing for a hurt and embittered heart. God is able to make all things right. He did for me, and he can do also for you. You need only to forgive and leave the rest of it in God's capable hands.
Today, I am happily re-married to a wonderful, loving, and kind Christian man, with whom I am equally yolked. Past hurts are far behind me now, and life is a joy at last! But it was only after I finally came to forgive the one who hurt me and despitefully used me that my life was turned around for the better.
If you are struggling to forgive someone who hurt or abused you, I encourage you to please speak to your Pastor, or a Christian counsellor with experience in treating trauma victims for help in navigating this.
If you would like me to support you in prayer, please message me via Facebook messenger or at the email address provided below.
And remember this... God does Love you and He Cares about you! You are not alone!
I totally agree with you. Trying to forgive is not the Word of the Living God to us. And thus it is our own endeavor and futile. Forgiveness is the Life of Jesus created in us by the Creating Word of God. Where His Word restores us in His Life as our Dad whom we Love. It is not just about ourselves wanting "out" of a bad situation in being our "own savior".
I see my profile is not linking. So I need to give my link myself. We are Family and not strangers in cyberspace.
https://t.co/PnuKd6O0Hf